In September 2005, I took on the challenge of the Staples2Naples banger rally with two mates. This is the text from a photobook made from the team diary when we returned from a thoroughly epic adventure...

The challenge, as set out by the S2N handbook is simple: get your vehicle from Calais to Naples in four days. Each day there will be a set challenge with points to play for.

Your vehicle must cost less than £100, but in the interest of not having to do anything too strenuous, nobody from the organising team would be checking. More importantly, the vehicle must be road legal with a valid MOT.

There is a £1000 prize for the team with the most points, but that team must make it to the finish.

The route for the rally - France, Switzerland, Italy - should be around 1,800 miles, after which most teams opt to scrap their car and hop on an Easyjet flight back to the UK.

What’s the worst that can happen?...

So, with the relevant forms filled and the entry fee paid, the three members of freshly allocated team number 14, set about finding a car.

Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly bring you the first engineering report of Jenna Dallas - the sexy starlet of the motoring world. She comes from Amsterdam but her heart is French - one of love but with a body and mind of pure filth. Our fine Volvo 440 had be christened and found her true identity - filthy dirty, oiled up and ready to take us for a cheap ride. May we present to you Jenna Dallas...

Over the weekend we have pulled back her pink hood and given her flanges a good seeing to. All oiled up, lubricated and fully refreshed we spanked her round the highways of South Birmingham, only to break down four times within a 3 mile loop - not Staples2Naples - not even Catshill to Bromsgrove. The moral of the story is, don't trust EuroCarParts to know their specs, spark plug tolerances are mm critical and for some reason they make the plug bodies stronger than they make the thread on the engine block.

An idle email to the offices of Kerrang! Radio in Birmingham early in the rally planning was greeted with an unexpectedly enthusiastic response. Their idea was for morning show roving reporter “The Monk” to join us on the trip, giving on-the-road and on-the-lash progress reports. In the end, a calendar clash meant he escaped, but Ugly Phil and his breakfast show team came good with a free service and, while they were at it, some mods to keep us entertained on the journey. We’d do the rally reports, and they’d simply tart up Jenna a bit. Everyone’s a winner.

So, on the morning of 22nd September 2009, Kerrang! HQ was to be our starting point for the rally. Joining the Monk at 6:30am we engaged in some early morning fun and frolics around town, hitting the airwaves with the dulcet tones of Jenna “She’s Blowing a Bit” Dallas and a stereo full of Velvet Revolver. Kerrang! had kindly installed a bootful of ICE while in posession of the car and our ears were really going to pay the price. We received our Kerrang! goodie-bag of 700 Trojans, lighters, pens, key rings and badges, and were joined by Raquel, the pneumatic blonde who took her position in the back seat. DJs and staff signed the car and we were on the road by 9:00am­­­­.

Over the next nine days of hard driving, hard drinking and virtually no sleep, we travelled 3600 miles and somehow, though exactly how is something of a mystery, kept track of where we'd been. It went a little something like this...

13:30 - After collecting Andrew, we depart Sandhurst, four-up and heading for Dover. A rendezvous with Team 36 - Mare Riders at the M20 services gives Jenna her first view of the White Stallion in all its glory, and allows us time to swap tales of last minute MOTs and test the somewhat limited supersoaking capabilities of the event specified

Arrive at Dover and patiently await the SeaCat with Airwolf playing at 140dB, until the mock-Lotus Carlton ploughs into the back of us, nudging us into stage at passport control and fun and games begin.

19:45 - Arrive in Calais and encounter our first breakdown of the journey – not a rally car, but a Shitroën BX refusing to start and getting very much in our way. Finally off the ferry, a couple of exhaust-scraping ramps and some wheelspin later and we realise we have no idea where our hotel, or event pre-registration are happening, so drove around until we find a stray banger and follow the trail of oil.

Finally, we arrive to the delights of some awful wrecks – it’s an amazing sight. Check into the Etap Hotel Calais Coquelles Tunnel Sous la Manche. Grand name, not-so-grand hotel. Fights for the single bed may begin later, for now, we need fuel, Kronenbourg and a buffalo steak...

“This is the long day. The Challenge will be given to you on the morning of the Rally. If you are late for the start of the Rally, you will forfeit the challenge.

“The choice of route is entirely up to you. Calais to Sarnen via the most direct route is 540 miles and is virtually all French motorway. You can take the longer route and go via Belgium, Luxembourg, France and Germany - that is entirely up to you.

“Just in case you are in any doubt, Friday is a REALLY long day.”

08:30 - Having ‘bass tested’ the three-hotel complex with a touch of the Chemical Brothers, we hit the hypermarket carpark to the sound of the A-Team theme, instantly establishing ourselves as the rowdy team of the rally, with the loudest stereo and the meatiest of Vibe subs. Parking diagonally across the space, we indulged in a spot of air guitar. We have landed.

Mio stickers applied and generous quantities of Trojan jonnies, Kerrang! and MSportUK.com stickers given away, Jenna reluctantly fires up and we promise to never run those powerful tunes without the engine running.

09:00 - Rally start - Steve does well and is told off by the rally organisers for gratuitous wheelspin off the start line. Continues at sensible pace averaging 130kph and the days challenge of Car-Photo-Snooker begins. Photo of red car. Photo of black car. Photo of red car. Photo of black car. Photo of red car...

14:03 - While making our way along the A4, Andrew has a bit of an accident. “I’ve got a bad cough” is his only defence as we scramble for photographs of his drenched crotch.

“18:00 - Convoy with Team Mare Riders takes a wrong turn. Then the Mare Riders have a ‘mare and Pete’s weekend bonfire is well and truly pissed upon. Comment dit-on en Francais, “Get a quote and I’ll send you the cash – don’t contact my insurance company”. Saxo rear lights and bumper cleared off the road and we’re ready to roll by 18:30.

To be fair if we were in England and two car loads of idiot French hooligans smashed into the back of my car at a blind dual carriageway junction and started taking photos of the ensuing carnage, the mood would have been a lot worse. Still cant quite believe he wouldn’t accept a straight swap, one Volvo 360 with hand painted realistic flame detail for a newish Saxo?!

19:15 - Border crossing to Switzerland was fortunately incident free, the damaged Stallion masked by tailgating Jenna past the border patrols and the value of our car doubled by the addition of Swiss motorway Vignette. Rapid repairs are made to Mare Riders’ headlights with the help of Mio sponsor stickers. Probably useful to have lights now it’s getting dark. Not so useful to have lights which only illuminate the roofs of tunnels, better switch on those fogs.